Becoming a Mom

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  

She never existed before.  The woman existed, 

but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new. 

~ Rajneesh

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Nine years ago tomorrow, I became a mother for the first time.  I can hardly believe that daughter of the year #1 is going to be 9 years old.  Where did that time go?  

I posted on Facebook this week I was feeling sappy.  I couldn't quite figure out what was making me that way and I was quite positive I could cry at the drop of a hat.  Then, I realized, it was the way I had been reminiscing in my mind about becoming a mommy for the first time.  It all started with a very big snow storm!

Don't worry, I'll spare you the details.  But I do love telling the story of my father forging through snow drifts as high as our car.  No sleep, panic at being a mother, a huge snow storm, a new baby.  I was terrified.  

One thing I have had plenty of time to think about is all the things no one ever told me about pregnancy, motherhood, babies and most importantly, being a mommy.  So, I will share my reflections with you.  

1.  Pregnancy is not always glowing.  
Looking back on photos of my first pregnancy, I was not what I would call pretty, beautiful, nor glowing.  In fact, I look like a rather miserable woman carrying around an exercise ball.  Not the small one the skinny girls use at the gym.  One of those biiiiiggg ones.  Don't compare yourself to television or anyone else for that matter.  Besides, it's best to get it out of your head that motherhood is like what you see on TV, because it is not.  

2.  Not all babies are perfect.  
Now, mine was.  She was beautiful, calm and hardly ever closed her eyes.  It was like she feared she would miss something.  Everything was bliss until about 2 weeks old.  That's when the screaming starting.  Screaming that tore me apart as a human being.  Screaming I could not curb no matter how hard I tried.  This, my friends, was colic.  You've probably heard some mom talk about it like she knows what it is like but let me tell you, while one of the most awful experiences of my life, like most things, it eventually went away.  And I was left with one happy baby.  At last!  

3.  Don't parent your husband.  
While you only birthed one child, you might suddenly think you had twins separated by 20 some years.  He's just as confused as you are.  Let him figure things out on his own.  There was nothing like a c-section to keep me bed ridden that first day and simply just...watch...dad of the year change his first diaper.  I'm happy to report that obviously, no one died.  

4.  Let go of the control freak.  
There's nothing like having a tiny little baby who is utterly dependent on you to make you realize you are more of the control freak than you thought.  It's OK.  But I call tell you first hand, babies are, above all, resilient.  To this day, I post the ultrasound photo of daughter of the year #2 flashing us a peace sign via ultrasound.  It was my reminder, I can't control it all.  So, I do as my friend Dory says, just keep swimming.  

5.  Pregnancy tears your body apart.  
I remember, many years ago, I had a boss who tried to tell me the toll pregnancy would take on my body some day.  Yeah, right.  Not me.  From blood pressure issues, to swelling so bad I had to buy new shoes two sizes larger, to no issues at all.  Each pregnancy was very different for me and it will be for you.  But, I'm sorry to say, you will always carry "battle scars."  Mine just happens to be a c-section scar.  

6.  Good washing machine = happy mommy.
You will do more laundry than you ever thought imaginable and will quickly join the ranks of many other mothers who own stock in a stain removal product company.  Make sure you like your washing machine for you will become good friends.  Bonus tip, if you are going to be a working mother of a very spit-uppy baby, keep an extra shirt at work.  I don't know about you, but I always loved when a co-worker would point out the spit up that was going down my back that I had obviously missed.  

7.  Don't compare milestones.  
Every baby grows and develops at their own rate.  My OB told me during my first pregnancy that reading books and having knowledge was a good thing but reading books and having knowledge was also a bad thing.  "Don't believe everything you read in those books," he once told me.  So, when you pick up your copy of "What to Expect the First Year" take it with a grain of salt.  If your baby is not rolling over or cooing or eating baby food at precisely when the book says, you will feel like you have failed as a parent.  Trust your new found instinct.  It is rarely wrong.  

8.  Get in tune to your mommy senses.  
I think it took me some time to understand these new senses I had which I have lovingly dubbed as my mommy senses.  This is the thing that will make you bolt up in bed from a sound sleep, because you heard your baby...hold on...no kidding...sigh.  That's right, a tiny little sigh.  These are the same senses that make your tummy feel funny when you know your toddler is about to fall.  You won't know what they are at first but I can guarantee, that feeling you get, right in your gut, when you hoist your baby overhead to hear them giggle after a bottle that produces spit up right in your face, you will wish you had listened to that feeling in your gut.  

9.  C-Sections are not the "easy way out." 
I didn't plan to have daughter of the year #1 via c-section, but she was breach, so that set my plan astray.  (We should have known this was an inkling into how stubborn she would be today!)  I'm not going to lie.  I went to the childbirth classes.  I saw the videos.  I felt a little tinge of guilt that I was taking the easy way.  No way!  When they cut that hole in my abdomen and ripped out a screaming baby that promptly pooped, there was not a thing beautiful about that.  It hurt more than I could have imagined.  And, one little bonus no one told me about....you still go into labor.  Except you are now holding your baby and breathing through contractions.  Easy way...yeah right.  

10.  Hire a babysitter for God's sake.
Having a baby is a life changing experience and you can tell me all you want about how prepared you and your significant other are for this miracle of life but I say to you, liar liar pants on fire!  No matter how prepared you are, nothing prepares you for the way your life will change.  It is OK to hold on to a part of you that was pre-baby, and that is your life with your significant other.  There are so many good resources out there:  friends, neighbors, co-workers, family, you name it.  The world will not cease to spin if you take one night off as a parent, hire a sitter (or beg a favor from family) and regain some adulthood.  

11.  Share midnight feedings.
Now, this might not always be possible for breast feeding mothers.  Let's make it be known right now, I did not go that route.  But midnight feedings were always shared between dad-of-the-year and I.  It will never be perfectly equal so don't even go there.  But, give him a chance.  And you, get a little extra sleep (at least until those mommy senses kick in).  Oh, and one last thing, for God's sake sleep when your baby sleeps!  Trust me, you'll feel so much better.  

12.  Have good car insurance.
If you are not able to share midnight feedings, it will be important to have good car insurance.  For first time parents, I find this especially true.  Again, you think you are totally ready for parenthood, but you are not ready for the lack of sleep.  It will do things to your mind you never thought were possible.  You will put your coffee in the freezer, dinner in the washer, and your car keys into your front door.  Or, if you are like me, you will back into a pole while parking your car at work.  In the same spot you have parked in for months.  In the same vehicle you have driven for months.  All because you are tired.  

Even now, as I type this list, the 12 points I swore I would stick to could grow to 100.  Nine year later, I feel slightly more wise as a parent (and a little less stressed).  While I'm still struggling to accept that 9 years have, quite literally, flashed before my eyes, I am so proud of the person daughter of the year #1 has become.  It sure makes me feel like maybe I did a few things right as a parent.  

Now...wait until she is a teenager.