Apologies

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An apology is the superglue of life. 
It can repair just about anything.  

~ Lynn Johnston

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 It all happened over a Starbucks strawberries and creme frappuccino.  The moment I realized, I am a distracted parent.  I never, ever intended to be.  But, I clearly am.  Always leaving my smart gadget within reach.  Reading emails at all hours of the day.  Responding even while on vacation.  Always work-work-working.  I wasn't always this way and I'm not sure I even know when it started.  What I do know is that it is part of my work ethic.  Try as I may, I've never been able to curb it.  That is until the reality of what this is doing to my kids set in.  

 Daughter of the year #2 really wanted her sister to go with us to take her to daycare.  So we all piled into my car to accommodate her request.   As we pulled up to daycare, a work issue came to mind.  I was on my iPhone before we even headed inside making sure an important duty was being covered.  I missed #2 trying to get me to see her pink shoes and how they sparkled in the sunlight.  I missed how #1 kept her sister from tripping as she stepped onto the sidewalk.  I missed the class frog and explanation of what that goop is floating in the water.  I missed #2's determination to answer the day's question "Do you have a pet?" with yes.  I tried forcing her to put her nameplate on the no side without listening to her mutter the words "But Sadie" under her breath.  Yes Sadie, our beloved dog who died over a year ago - still very much claimed to be our family pet even after all this time.  I broke away my hug before she was ready, distracted, worried about work.  

 After drop off, we had plenty of time before daughter of the year #1 had to be at school.  We decided to hit the Starbucks drive thru to start our day.  I easily gave in to #1's request to get her favorite, a strawberries and creme frappuccino.  There was a long line today.  As I was buried in my phone, #1 kept saying "mom" every time I wasn't paying attention enough to know the line was moving.  

 We pulled up and got our drinks.  I handed #1 that lovely pink drink.  And that's about all I remember.  I know she talked.  I'm sure I talked back.  What we spoke about, I can't recall.  I was already thinking about what needed done when I got to work and how I would spend my day.  I was prioritizing, planning.  I was distracted and robbed both of my children of an opportunity to have a special moment with me this morning.  All for silly reasons.  

 Daughters of the year, you are truly a gift for which I am immensely thankful.  I realize you've been given a mother who many times lacks patience, yells when she really doesn't need to, and doesn't put on my listening ears very well.  I rush you through moments when I should let you explore the world.  I don't stop and look at the pretty flower you've just noticed.  I don't play enough, laugh enough, live enough.  And for that, I can never say I'm sorry enough.  You deserve so much better from your mother.  

 So today, I vow to do better.  I ask that you give me time.  For I'm far from perfect and I'll need you to have some extra patience with me.  I'll need you to tug on my shirt and remind me when I'm not listening.  I'll need you to tell your story maybe more than once but never more than 2 times.  I'll need a reminder when my voice raises and doesn't need to.  I'll need you to forgive me when I relapse and forget.  But more than ever, I'll need your love and lots of hugs.  

 I started this blog to take an honest look at parenthood and this is my very open admission that I many times am just not present.  I know some will judge me and say it is a choice I have made.  Perhaps it is, but not one I intended. 

 To my lovely daughters of the year, in case you didn't know, your mommy is on a pursuit, an endless one, for an award that just doesn't exist.  I'd rather be your mother, perfect or not, than anyone else in the world.  I promise to do better, listen more, not let distractions get in the way, and to never pull away from a hug when you just aren't ready.  I love you!  

Comments

  1. EricaSeptember 6, 2013 at 6:23 AM

    You brought tears to my eyes - so well said and what so many of us moms go through and feel. Try as we might, we all struggle. The fact that you are aware is more than most can say...keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete

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