Parenting During A Pandemic

If you want to cure the world, don’t emanate fear, emanate love. 

- Ram Dass

Many a blog post has started with "what a week!" Never did I have any idea that would be truer than it is now.  

When the COVID-19 pandemic began, I sat down to write thinking it would be, at a minimum, interesting to look back on some day. Here we are, several days later, and I'm still writing, so I just keep adding until I finally find time to post. 

Day 1
It's Monday. It's the first day of spring break and I got up like any other day to go to work. Things are stuck between normal and what is a semi-new normal. The university I work for has moved classes to online instruction through part of April. I expected a vacant campus, but not for how long this could be. 

I'm getting used to having a plan for the day and then promptly throwing that plan out the window about 45 minutes into my workday. The girls are happy it is spring break and looking forward to sleeping in. I reminded them last night it is best they remain home and not go out unless they absolutely needed to. They seemed fine with that plan.  

I find myself being very jittery and nervous, like I had too much coffee. I'm walking a fine line between do I have enough food and toilet paper or, am I not taking this serious enough. I'm trying to limit my time on the news and social media as it feels overwhelming.  The girls really want to go visit their grandparents but I know deep down that it's best they don't. Every day I feel like I'm disappointing someone. 

Social distancing is a new word we're all throwing around. I'm trying very hard to maintain that 6 foot rule but it's really hard. Especially when I walked (yes, walked and did not computer conference in) to a meeting this afternoon in a very small room. I felt paralyzed as to where to sit. No matter where, we would all be right on top of each other. So much for social distancing. I realized those who were not very good with technology would have to get good with it and real soon!  Immediately after this meeting I rushed home to take a video conference call shown in the image. In my haste I forgot the old mattress from #1's room was visible behind me in our home office, as well as that messy open closet door. I sure was winning today!

Word came today that school is closed for the girls until April 12th. #2 was overjoyed. #1 cried. I'm running out of things to say that comfort people. 

Day 2
The Friday before this quickly escalated in our state, #1 learned she was going to be inducted into National Honor Society. Today, that joy has turned to sadness as she's realizing there will maybe not be a ceremony. I'm being asked questions I can't answer but I'm trying to always have the silver lining. It could be so much worse. I reminded her to think of all her friends who are seniors. #2 has taken to staying in her pajamas all day. 

I started having nightmares and not sleeping well. They are very strange nightmares and nothing to do with COVID-19. My mind is working on overdrive and therefore having a tough time shutting down at night. I worry constantly. Worry about my parents, worry about my family members, worry about small business owners, worry about my friends, worry-worry-worry. Video conferencing has become a main way of communicating at work except, I work in cubicle land. It's not easy to have a call and discussion in the middle of cubicles. I'm trying to find the humor in this but find myself growing increasingly angry. I lose my patience and my temper easily. It's confusing to me and I don't know why I am angry but suspect much of it is being extremely tired. I haven't had a good night's sleep in days, weeks perhaps. 

Tears came for me today for the first time. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions, I don't know where my center is anymore. Plus, somewhere I know I am letting someone down. 

Day 3
I received special permission to work from home today because my entire day was conference calls. I began the day by moving that pesky mattress out of the way so it wouldn't be visible. Wait?! How is it still visible? Ugh! 

#1 created a homeschooling routine for she and her sister on Monday when she learned school would be out for a while. I sure do love that kid! Yes, they are on spring break, but she thought it would be nice to start it today. While I worked, they stayed with their schedule until lunch when a mysterious headache struck #2. Then came whining and yelling. I'd say this homeschooling thing is going pretty well. That's when it dawned on me I have no idea how I will work and make sure they are getting some sort of educational content in their day. Before I knew it, I found myself walking that tightrope of falling off the emotional deep end and holding it all together. I miss dad-of-the-year and how he would often be a reinforcement for me when things got to be too much. I couldn't ask that of him right now. I suddenly feel very alone even though I am in my home with my children.  

Word came today that instruction for the university I work for would be online through the remainder of the semester. I don't know why, but I cried in a way I haven't cried in a long time. I think it's because I know how many people labored over that decision that was taken lightly in no way. I read the criticism on social media. No, I can't understand because I don't have a senior. Once again, someone, somewhere, is being let down. 

Day 4
I finally slept last night without nightmares. It may have taken NyQuil, but I did it. I woke feeling the most rested I have in weeks. 

Word came late yesterday that I would begin working from home. Today was a planned vacation day for me but there's a funny thing about that. When you work from home and your office is only feet from where you relax, is there ever a day off? Plus, when you are part of major communications efforts on a college campus, it's just not possible. I'm good with it. People need to be informed during times we've never encountered before. I'm thankful I have a job. In fact, I'm more thankful of the things I took for granted these days. I grow more and more concerned about what the world will look like when this is all over.  My imagination is running wild! 

The girls have been inside for days even though I encouraged them to get out and walk the dogs. I know they are feeling unsettled and scared. They overhear conversations between dad of the year and I and know things are unusual for all of us. #1 still has friends who are going out and meeting other friends. She has no desire and is growing increasingly critical of those who are going out. I appreciate how my ever present rule follower is just wanting everyone to follow the rules. She watches the news and gives me a daily run-down of what's happening. I could do without it but don't say anything. I think it makes her feel better. Needed at a time when she feels helpless. 

Homeschooling involved baking today. Finally, something I rocked!

Day 5
It was to be another day of vacation but that just didn't happen. In fact, I finally signed off my work computer at 8 pm. It's like a terrible news story you want to walk away from but can't. People are relying on you. Yet today was like putting together the world's largest puzzle and realizing I only have one-third of the pieces. The other third are held by someone else who is hoarding them because puzzle pieces might be in high demand soon. The other third, you have no clue who is holding them so you have to go on a search to find them, using your available resources, which seem light suddenly, and hope you magically find them. It's really an awkward feeling. 

Then there are my children. It's growing increasingly difficult to check in on them. Make sure they are OK. Plus, we are in the same place! I feel guilt on a whole new level and so badly want to unplug. 

The girls want family time at night after having to spend the majority of their days together. Dad of the year, when home, is often very tired and I can't say I blame him. I'm trying to unplug and be a mom, what I've always wanted to come first no matter what. Even when I am with them, my mind has a free moment to wander to worry. How are my parents? How are my friends? What does the future look like? It consumes me. 


An entire week has passed since I first tried to write this. Days are melting into each other making it hard to remember what day it is. Thank goodness for the weekend as we were able to recharge a bit. Whatever the next week brings, I know we will be just fine. We are healthy and we are together. I'm grateful on an entirely new level for everything I have. I can't even begin to put it into words and when I try, I get emotional. Parenting is a learn as you go job and we often joke about the manual. One thing I can say for sure is, if there is a manual, parenting during a pandemic is not a chapter to be found. We're all definitely learning as we go.

Be well my friends and take care of one another.