My Middle Place

And that’s what this whole thing is about. Calling home. Instinctively.

Even when all the paperwork—a marriage license, a notarized deed,

two birth certificates, and seven years of tax returns—clearly indicates

you’re an adult, but all the same, there you are, clutching the phone

and thanking God that you’re still somebody’s daughter.

~Exerpt from The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan

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I just finished the book "The Middle Place" by Kelly Corrigan.  It was a bargain book that enticed me by its simple cover.  Upon reading what the book was about, I immediately knew it would be a good purchase.  Let me preface the rest of this post by saying the book left me sappy, sentimental, and happy all at the same time.  So, grab your favorite beverage and maybe a tissue as this will be an odd piece from me. 

In Kelly Corrigan's book, she writes about the middle place - a place between being someone's child and someone's parent while tragically facing her own immortality and that of her father.  It was a great book and I would highly recommend it.  If you are close, I'd be happy to let you borrow my copy.  It's a quick read.  While I was intrigued by Kelly's middle place, I was drawn to think about what I felt was my own.  A place between being a working mom and a stay at home mom.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life, my work and my children, but like most I struggle for balance.  I find myself in that middle place nearly every day - teetering between sanity and insanity, yelling and extreme patience, appreciative of the joy before me and other days not seeing anything at all.  I never had expectations of being a "perfect" mother and that's simply not realistic.  However, I recently gave a piece of advice to an expectant mother that shocked even me.  Parenthood is riddled with guilt.  Guilt of all kinds, shapes and sizes.  Guilt we bring on ourselves (far too often) and guilt brought on by others.  Come on, we all have that one friend who gave you that "You're returning to work?" question with that look that made you convinced they were judging you and your decision to be a working mother after the birth of a child.  Each person is different but I wish that friend who asked me that would have allowed me to ask her a question, "Do you regret not going back to work?"  

I'm certainly not judging any mother and their decision, as we all have choices.  I am happy with the one I made, but I struggle.  I love my children dearly but feel at times I don't see the pure joy they bring to my life every day because it is overshadowed by things like deadlines, financial spreadsheets, and budgets.  Is it that overshadowing that keeps me on my endless pursuit for mom of the year?

So, where has my middle place led me?  I have this week off and have vowed to do a couple of things to reduce the guilt I feel the other 360 some odd days of the year and help me move one notch higher towards mom of the year.  Here is my list:

1.  Bake.  If you know me you know I don't bake.  I'm terrible at it!  However, I'm going to get out a cookbook, let Madison pick a recipe, and make it with her.  And I promise not to micromanage her as she cracks her eggs.  Heck, I might even leave a piece of the shell in what we're making.  No one will die, right?

2.  Play a silly game.  I will never forget the time my husband played Pretty Pretty Princess with Madison.  No, he would not allow photos (sorry folks), but he was decked out in earrings and the jeweled crown.  It was beautiful, unabated good times without a care in the world how crazy you looked.      

3.  No cleaning!  Well, let me clarify here.  Madison's room is somewhat like Mars, a place NASA sends unmanned rovers to look for signs of life.  I'm sure it is full of toys she doesn't play with, broken crayons, lots of dog hair tumbleweeds and lost pens.  However, we'll let anything that may be growing remain a living thing for at least another week. 

4.  Kisses.  Malea recently started giving kisses.  They are the cutest thing ever even if she likes to give them with her mouth open, slobbering as a teething infant would do.  Yet, they make me smile with their innocence so I'll accept as many as she is willing to give, slobber included. 

5.  Laugh.  Anyone who knows me would likely use this word to describe me at least once:  uptight.  This week will involve a turned off Blackberry, (I'll try) no emails to work and pure, 100%, whole hearted laughter. 

While my middle place brings both pleasure and guilt, I realize it is simply who I am.  The sooner I accept it as I have accepted the mole to the right side of my mouth (which I still many times dislike more often than I like) the better mother I feel I will be to my children.  Most of all I want to teach my girls that it's OK to be both a mother, an employee, a wife, and anything else they want to be all wrapped into one.  Besides, what would I have to consume me if mom of the year were simply handed to me on a platter?  Here's to the thrill of the pursuit!