Beating Yourself Up

 

Guilt once harbored in the conscious breast, 

intimidates the brave, degrades the great.

~Samuel Johnson

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It's been far too long!  I recently told an acquaintance that writing is my vice.  Given my mood, I'd say I haven't been doing it enough.  Looking back, I guess this started in my teen years.  I had many diaries.  Writing was a release and often the way I dealt with the difficult parts of life.  Consider yourselves warned, this might be a more serious post from me than you are used to but I'm sure many of you can relate on some level.

I think I've lost track of when my life became so incredibly busy.  I was raised by two people who taught me to put my heart and soul into everything I do and to do it to the best of my ability.  I'll admit that I am a frequent overextender.  However, I'm convinced, as women, we tend to take on more than we really can handle.  Then we add things like pets, volunteer work, and children into the mix.  Suddenly we find ourselves wondering what we forgot to do, whom we didn't dress, and which bill we forgot to pay.  Then comes the guilt and that dreaded feeling of failure. 

So, I could do what I bet most of you think I'm doing now, moping.  Nope (well, maybe a little)!  I'm coming clean.  I'm not perfect and never claimed to be.  To prove it, I will publicly post a list of what I failed at this week.  It's OK, I'll give you the short list. 

1.  I didn't get home on time as much as I tried to.  The good news is, there were no speeding tickets involved and none of my husband's co-workers chastising that I "should have known better."  Cause wow, that just makes me feel like a winner!   Oh, and then my husband feels like he's married to a winner.  Talk about a win-win situation. 

2.  The pre-created menu is on the fridge right where I left it.  Even though we only ate two actual meals that were planned on there this week, at least everyone got fed! 

3.  Malea got a diaper rash.  That's right, even though it's not anyone's fault - rashes happen.  It's one more thing that makes a person feel as though they have failed.  I feel especially good when she points to it and says "Ouch." 

4.  There is still laundry, in the basket, that needs put away.  I walk by it every day and do nothing.  Although I find it worth mentioning that my husband also walks by it, every day, and does the same thing. 

5.  I washed bedding last weekend and after walking past the wadded up dust ruffle for 3 days, I learned that one person really can put a dust ruffle on, all by themselves, without moving the mattress.  Score 1 for me! 

6.  I made someone feel that they couldn't express themselves.  Really?  Me?  Couldn't be! 

7.  Madison burst into tears when I broke it to her I had to work this weekend.  Even playing the "grandma and grandpa are coming card" didn't help much.  I have a feeling the only thing that will make me feel better is to shower her with senseless gifts.  That's right, I'm doing what any sensible parent would do - buying love. 

8.  The toys didn't get picked up.  The living room looked like a bomb had made it's way into our home.  The good news is, it looks like that more often than it doesn't.  However, I did learn that Malea's refrigerator farm animals, when stepped on, are rather slippery.  

9.  I allowed someone to make me feel stupid and worthless as a person.  And we all know that comes from actually allowing it to happen.  I'll be looking for my spine, pronto!  Maybe it's among the toys?

10.  While fighting insomnia at 12:30 this morning, I picked up 4 pairs of socks (one from each member of our family) off our living room floor.  Trust me, they were hard to find among the toys.  Spine is still being sought. 

I know we all struggle.  We have 10 responsibilities and 10 obligations and only one body.  As I said, I'll never claim to be perfect so instead, I ask you: what is it that you didn't get done this week, or the thing you overlooked, or the item that made you feel like you had failed?  Maybe it wasn't this week but rather this month.  Perhaps it felt really good to let it sit for a day or to let an obligation go unmet.  Be honest and share.  Join me on the endless pursuit for mom of the year.  I know, for me, It's been one hell of a ride and one best shared with friends!    

Hey, whoa, what's that among the Weebles?  Yep, it's my spine!