Freezing

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Dignity consists not in possessing honors,
but in the consciousness that we deserve them. 
~Aristotle
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Today, we had school conferences for Madison.  I'm not sure why, but it has been an emotional day for me mainly because I discovered, after speaking with her teacher, that we may be placing pressure on her we never realized.  The discussion centered around a test she recently had to take.  A test in which she froze and could not complete.  After all of us spoke to her about it, we realized it was her fear of failing and disappointing others that caused this. 

The pressure to be perfect is nothing I ever wanted to place on my children, yet it happens every day and we don't even know it.  But, for those of us who fear letting people down, disappointing others, or facing our own thoughts of failure, this pressure can make one freeze.  I know exactly how she feels. 

I knew as a mother, I would be faced with hard decisions, and I've blogged about this before.  But for people like Madison and I, these decisions become even harder, when faced with our fear of letting others down.  Decisions that inevitably, once made, end up letting someone down in one way or another.  Decisions that let us down the most because it does nothing to bring ourselves happiness.  

I took a photo of the writing test Madison was taking when she froze, hoping someday I could remind her of this day.  Perhaps some day I'll tell her about how I felt this very day and the decision I was forced to make that I knew would let my entire family down.  If there is one thing to teach Madison in this is for her to know it's OK to put herself first, even when other priorities make their way into her life.  I hope those who make her feel she has no choice in putting herself first will find themselves wiggling farther and farther outside her inner circle.  There should be no room for those people in her life.   

So, while writing tests make Maddie freeze, I realized my inability to say no makes me freeze as well.  Her teacher gave her tips for what to do the next time she felt this way, tips I may someday learn to apply myself.  For now, I'll share lots of hugs, high fives and pats on the back, even when her y's don't "sit" on the line in her writing or she freezes in the middle of a test.  My y's occasionally don't sit on the line either and I freeze when I find myself stuck in my "middle place."  I guess with life's mistakes come great lessons.  What sets us apart is in what we do with them.  

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